Am I wrong for choosing the other way?

And so we sent King off today. Honestly it was so much scaled down from the previous time. There was more happiness than sadness. okay maybe not exactly happiness but the mood was lighter than the last time. we were taking selfies and everything and laughing at idk what. I just like it how this team can make me feel so happy everytime everyone is together. I was honestly considering whether to go cos i was really tired (mentally). But when i went, i didnt regret a single bit. I was smiling the whole time probably by listening and watching them. They are just therapeutic like that.

Then Jess asked if we felt we were helping the beneficiaries directly. Its a no for me. although this whole project was geared toward generating money for the beneficiaries, yes it succeeded at the start helping us to plan our activities with that goal in mind and keeping our project relevant, but as of now i feel like i dont see the beneficiaries in the picture and all the event i doing is more for myself, my event and my goal. idk how explain it but it just feel different. But i also feel that im benefiting alot from this project seeing a plan becoming reality and people joining your event and feeling good after that(i hope!). There is at least one thing im sure is that im enjoying yfc, but that doesnt mean its easy.

Jess then asked whats our goal in life. i have thought about that questions at least a million times in my head but always came to the same conclusion: I dont know, really. Since young i have been placed in this education system that promises me a bright future if i can get through it. Im still in this system but very soon i will be almost free. But then the question is, what do i want to be? The thought that my life had been planned out all the way till a levels is kinda terrifying and upsetting cos just because im slightly better at academics when i was younger, i will have to keep on studying till i figure out what i want to be. in that sense, i admire people who already know what they want to be and is bravely pursuing their dreams. and the nature of this system that has a 6 years long programme meant that when i entered in sec 1 my life was already planned for the next 6 years: to continue studying for 6 years and score well for a level. But then the next path is relatively structured. I will then get in uni, study for another 3-4 years or even longer depending on what im interested in before i get a job and all the horror of being a adult kicks in. Hanyi said her goal was to be happy. But i feel that is both the hardest and easiest goal to achieve. Easy in the sense if you can find joy in little stuffs and be contented with everything you have, you will then be happy. But chances are, we wont be. I have a vague goal of being a doctor but honestly its so difficult to get in. Yes its good to be optimistic and say im will get in if i try hard enough. But the odds are usually not in our favors. So till until the day im 100% confident of achieving what i want, which the day is definitely not anytime soon, i will keep my fingers crossed about being a doctor. and stop the crap with all the motivational stories, it only happens to 0.000000000001% of the population and what makes you think you are one of them. Good if you are.but seriously what are the odds? so stop disillusioning yourself with those stories and think that Oh XXX failed all his exams but see he’s still successful. Honestly, its more luck than skill to succeed in this world. So just pray to be lucky for all you want. its just not that easy dude.

Honestly its just scary how fast things change and even scarier how fast we get used to these changes. i still remember everything from JH and its crazy im in SH already. the seemingly long 6 years is coming to an end. its just really crazy. and Im in this exhausted mood recently ( i mean mentally), largely cos of my results which was really horrible this time. i just feel i need a rest more over than everything. I know im not the only one out there. but keep strong people cos tough times dont last, only tough people do. Press on and we will be the final victors. 

Goodbye. Today was quite a long good day. Counting down: 2 weeks to X-RUN. Im freaking excited yeah! 🙂 omg my brain is shutting down really soon so time to sleeeeppppppppppp………


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