I wonder when that kid in me had walked away…

To all the people that called me weird:

I dont know why Im weird and actually asked many people around me to describe how or why am I weird. And the weird thing is most dont actually have an explanation. Maybe I dont need need a reason to be weird, huh. Most people said its the way i think. even hanyi and weng used to think i was from another dimension. but hey, was it really that bad? HAHA. I was really mature as a kid and i guessed that maturity just stopped that so Im childish as a teenager? Maybe its weird but i realised that im kinda okay when people call me “weird”. I mean this is who I am what and if you dont like it then too bad haha. Cos as the quote said, “Those who mind doesnt matter and those who matter doesnt mind.” It like i never believed the shit of trying to change myself to fit in but i will be lying if i said that i didnt try before haha. I guess the temptation was too hard to resist. But i do actually see people being “two-faced” in which when they are with their friends they behaved this way and when they are not, they are just erm idk how to describe but its a bit like them putting on a mask in front of people. I think its tiring haha maybe that why i became a loner in lower sec since i cant fit in 😦 but its okay cos i found friends that i can really talk to comfortably and im happy. 🙂 another reason why i kinda like being called weird cos it seemed then im unique. When everyone stop trying to be somebody esle, they will eventually be themselves. And them being themselves would be “weird” since they are not like everybody else. Isnt that the reason why people call others “weird”? isnt it cos they are not mainstream? Im not saying that im not mainstream infact i think im really ordinary to the extent i feel that i will be the first that people forget in the future. Cos im just this ordinary nice girl. And talking about being nice, it was kinda my complex a few years back cos i suddenly felt that its unfair that if im nice then i just get overlooked easily cos “aiya she so nice she wont mind one” etc. And being the more introverted one, i never really expressed my opinions out loud and have been been misunderstood as “neutral” or “no opinion”. But i do actually have a opinion i mean how is it possible not to have any opinion. it just that i felt that my opinion doesnt matter at all in most context so i simply remained neutral. Back to “being nice”, when i asked people what do they feel is my strengths/weaknesses, “too nice” always come out somehow as if its a bad thing. Of course its nice knowing that people think you are nice but i really felt being overlooked for being too nice. Jasmine told me that her impression of me last time was that im too nice that she thought i was being fake. but then after we got closer then she realised she was wrong. (phew) but then after hearing her say that i felt shocked to a certain extent cos honestly no one ever told me that i seemed fake so it kinda shocked me. But whatever im talking now is just probably a teenager self doubt and trying to find one’s identity period, in other words, puberty which i always just blamed it for anything haha. Im the type that i believed that i understood myself best and always spend my time before sleeping in bed thinking about all sorts of thing. Maybe im so drawn to psychology cos im so intrigued about human minds. Its like no matter how ordinary a person is, they will always be unique cos no two minds will think about the same thing the same way. I honestly find that super cool it like its the only thing that belongs to you and no one else can actually see through it no matter how much they try. Whatever people think they know of you is merely what you decided to show. Its like this maroon 5 song lyrics: “Its not what i didnt feel but its what i didnt show”. hahah i could go on and on talking about psychology and if given a chance i would really want to go for a mental state and mind examination to actually access my mental state and find out even more stuffs about myself i probably cant see or didnt know.

Anyways im kinda sad that i lost my cheerfulness as i grew up. I was quite bubbly as a kid and the type of kid that actually approaches other kids at the playground, asking them “can i be your friend and can i play with yall?” haha looking back i wonder where i found that courage. its good to be young, to be fearless.. i guess knowledge comes with a price, the more we knew, the more fearful we became, the less daring we become. which is kind of ironic. But i guess “knowledge” had a friend called “consequences” and as we learnt more, we realise the consequences too and its the fear of failure that have actually failed us in this 21st century. So epic. 

Btw, its too late now and i shall go sleep good night. There’s still chem paper left.. so much for trying to study today.  

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